there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
