Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
