I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
