Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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