No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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