woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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