as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize