she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
