The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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