Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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