I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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