But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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