Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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