U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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