Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
