I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
