I think I won the penis lottery.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
