guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
