remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize