How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
