I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize