My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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