Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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