I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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