9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
