I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
