the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize