This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
