a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
