i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We got so high we made milksteak
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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