She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
