Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
