you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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