I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
