My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
