I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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