Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
