my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
