Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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