I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
