the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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