Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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