I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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