I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
