Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
