Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
