He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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