He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
