I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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