I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
