he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All the doctor said was why
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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