Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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