I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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