Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
