In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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