You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize