I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
