Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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