I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
