the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
